Like The Birds

Today I hit a bird with my car.

He didn't make it.

Before today, I was fairly certain birds always flew out of the way when a car was coming towards them.

Traveling at 55mph in the middle of three full lanes of traffic, I didn't really have any other option when he refused to move quick enough.

And what did this poor thing die for?

Garbage.

For real.

He refused to fly away and leave behind the bit of garbage on the road... and he died for it.

The bird and I, we live in South Florida.  Something is always in bloom or ripe here and thanks to the city planners, there are trees and bushes everywhere.  (Like for real everywhere, you can't even make out street signs because of all the shrubbery.)

Instead of going after what is relatively easy and good food, this bird chose to venture onto the road, cheat death... for garbage.  And today, it cost him his life.

Which got me thinking.

How often do I pursue garbage?  Why am I, just like this bird, willing to risk it all for garbage when there's life giving fruit two feet away?

He Is With Me

I decided I wanted to be a missionary when I was around seven years old.

I suppose I probably would of wanted to be a missionary at an even younger age but no one had told me about it yet.

My mom took me to a church service where some people were speaking about their trip to China and I was hooked.  Every night I would include prayers for China and missionaries in my bed time prayers.

My dreams were of the traditional missionary.  Traveling to a foreign land, living there long term, starting humanitarian projects, buying orphans from the street venders for a six pence (like Gladys Aylward) and giving them a good home, etc.

As I grew older, my dreams became a little more practical.  I still wanted to be involved in humanitarian aid in an overseas context.  I had the opportunity to finally be working with an organization that allowed me to begin to do what I'd always wanted to do since the time I was a little girl with opportunities to grow and move into other parts of the ministry.

This was a little over six years ago.

Today the song "He Is With Us" by Love & The Outcome came on my radio.  I've heard it many times. (You know how "Christian" radio is.)

I began thinking about those words, "He is with us."

He is with us, not against us.  He is not just looking over us, he is with us.  Present.  Experiencing life with us.

The pain we feel is the pain he feels.  Not just my pain but everyone who exists, has existed, will exist. This is on top of the hurtful things that are directed at him.  The bishop who gives him a bad name.  The professor who claims to be a Christian, but systematically works to prove God is not real to his students.  The man who wants power and influence and uses the pastorate to gain both of those things.

I'm only twenty six years old so I potentially have many more years to be hurt, but the most painful experience of my life was at the hands of a pastor.

My community, my dream, my plans, my stability, my trusting nature, were all robbed from me because of the selfish actions of a pastor.

This is not to say that it's impossible for me to have a new community, new dreams, new plans, new everything, but you understand how difficult that is for a young person to have to lose all of that right?

I've heard it said that there's only two possibilities on the issue of pain: either there is no God or he's a sadist who looks down at our pain and laughs.

I can see it clearly in my mind and I believe with all my heart that as I sat on my bed while my personal world came crashing in, realizing things were not going to work out, trying to come to grips with the fact that I was not only in pain but it was caused by the person I would normally go to for comfort, God was right there crying with me.

My pain was his pain.

Even now when the sting of pain arises in the moments that I feel lonely, the moments I read other people's missionary updates, the moments I hear other people write about their church job, the moments I see other people involved in the ways I wanted to be involved,  the moments I feel like all I can do is question the motives of others, the moments others praise that man, he feels that sting too.

He remembers too.

And he understands in a way that no one else can.  Even someone who has been through the exact situation because no one else can do what he can.

Because he is the only one who felt my pain right along with me.  My own personal pain and the pain of knowing yet another person used the pastorate, a position for a loving servant, for personal gain.

Six years later and I don't harbor unforgiveness, bitterness, or hatred but that sting of pain doesn't just go away.

It doesn't go away for him either.

That is someone I can trust.  Someone I can believe when he says that though it might hurt now, I won't be ruined, that he's holding onto me and is never going to leave.

What a great reminder!

Lessons From Mother Teresa

I was given a reading of quotes from Mother Teresa a while ago and finally had some time to read through it in the middle of a rather opportune time.

After receiving some pretty hurtful nonconstructive criticism that had more to do with personality differences than anything important or pressing, I was feeling rather down.  I was getting married in less than two weeks but instead of feeling excited or happy, I was weighed down with regret, hurt feelings, and worry, mostly because of my all consuming desire for people to be happy or at least content with me and my decisions.

Basically struggling with the big ol' sin: fear of man.

I came across a prayer of Mother Teresa's that produced a few tears after only reading the first two lines...

Though you hide yourself behind the

unattractive disguise of the irritable,

the exacting, the unreasonable, 

may I still recognize you, and say:

"Jesus, how sweet it is to serve you."

It's hard to believe that this woman, at 17 years old, had such a grasp on what's important in life that she was ready to commit her whole life to doing his work.

In her future, she would dedicate herself to loving those the world deemed unloveable and allowing the dying to feel wanted in their last hours.  Dedicated to really desiring the things God desires and pursuing his heart for the lost.

And here I am.  In my cushy first world life, in the twenty first century, and my big concern is wether people are happy with choices that don't even have a real right or wrong answer.

My world is so small.

And yet God steps down into that world and speaks to my heart.  In a profound way.  Just when I need it.

Because he is good like that.  Soothing and encouraging.  The friend that doesn't just tell you what you need to hear but in the perfect way that you need to hear it.

In those moments I feel attacked, criticized, shot down by others, instead of responding with defensive gossip, resentment, or many other reactions that may come easily to me in my normal personality, I can choose instead to serve and love that person.  Remembering that God loves that person, even in the midst of their unkindness towards me, and I should love them too.  Even when it is a harder choice than I think I can handle because I don't have to handle it alone.

I have found that though the initial choosing is hard to do, once the "ball gets rolling", it becomes easier.  Love begins to fill my heart and overshadow the hurt.  In a way only God can bring about.

And so I am equipped to deal with the situation and feelings at hand and also prepared for the future when I run into hurtful words again.  All thanks to a woman who was willing to serve, love, and listen and learned such valuable lessons, some of which were written down and then able to touch my heart in 2013.

May I also truly be a woman willing to serve, love, and listen and learn some valuable lessons myself that may do some good, someday.

Grace For Toads

"I think we, as Christians, should…"  "I think we, as women, should...."  "I think we, as toads, should..."

Look familiar?

I see it in a lot of blogs, status updates, conversations, etc.

"Stop telling people they need to shape up!" sounds a little bit like I'm telling someone to shape up and stop demanding someone else to shape up… which is as confusing as it sounds.

It's hard to write about grace without sounding a little contradictory, but here goes.

As the oldest child in my family, I fit the oldest child stereotype.  Black and white personality, bossy, setting high standards for myself and those around me; basically, I'm not a naturally grace filled person.  I also have the tendency to live with disappointment weighing on my heart.  I second guess myself and others.  It's hard for me to trust, hope, believe, and even love properly in my natural self and through my natural heart.

My mother has always modeled the opposite for me.  Not only does she appear to have no struggle with offering grace to people but there seems to be no limit to how much she can take.  I remember her coming into the middle of our fights as children and encouraging us to "have grace" for one another.  At the time, I supposed that to be "mom talk" for "I'm tired of listening to the screaming" and I'm sure there was a little bit of that behind it.  As I've grown and begun to know my mother more as a "person" and less as the authoritative "mom" figure, I can see that there was much more behind it than her desire for peace and quiet.

The thing she values most in life are relationships.  Her relationships with her family, with her friends and community, to the world in general.  That means more to her than standards or behavior or the need to be right.  Because of my mom's great love for us as her children, she offered free grace to us on a daily, sometimes minute by minute, basis.  In her wisdom, she knew that we also should learn this lesson that relationships matter and the key to keeping them is grace.

Well my child self didn't necessarily want to have grace for my siblings.  My adult self struggles with the same thing.

But there is the problem.  The want.  The idea that I need to strongly desire giving grace to someone in order to demonstrate it in their life.

Something I've learned in my short 26 years on earth is that grace is a choice to begin with. 

Once you were dead because of your disobedience and your many sins.  You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil—the commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God.  All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature. By our very nature we were subject to God’s anger, just like everyone else.  But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much,  that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!

~ Ephesians 2:1-5 NLT

In the midst of being angry, God chose to have grace, because of his love.

In the midst of completely justified anger, God chooses to have grace for me.

I find it hard to have grace in the midst of unjustified disappointment, in the midst of unjustified expectations, in the midst of my unwillingness to understand.

I deem myself judge of the world, of my friends, of myself when in reality I don't have the right or authority to speak up for or against myself or anyone else in the world.

You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil—the commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God.  All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature.

The tendency when watching a person head down a destructive path, or just simply a path we don't approve of, is to make two mistakes: first, to assume that their upbringing, background, and experiences are all the same as our's and second, to assume that where they are headed is the result of their own choices.

Neither of those assumptions are true.

I have a hard enough time knowing the ins and outs of my own heart and the exact reason behind how I feel and what I want.  How can I begin to believe that I have a firm grasp on that information from someone else?

Paul takes the time to point out that all of us are unconsciously obeying the devil, that he is at work in our hearts, and that we have no other course but to follow the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful or human nature.  Not only is it our natural tendency to be this way, but it is what the world preaches as the proper way to live and think.  "Follow your heart."  "Do what's right for you."  "You can be whatever you want to be."

It's coming at us from inside our own hearts and from the outside.  From our culture, community, and often from our family and friends.

The path people are on has a lot more involved than choice.  Often, where people are in their life has very little to do with their own personal choices.

But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much,  that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!

God gave us life.  He saved us by grace.  He chose to give us grace. He didn't save us with an argument.  He didn't save us by changing laws.  He didn't save us by fighting with us.  He didn't save us with hurtful words.  He didn't save us by demanding we change our feelings or behavior before we could experience his mercy.

And yet so often, it appears we believe that's what will save someone.

Peruse through the gospels and you won't see Jesus "arguing with sinners", you won't see  Jesus running for political office and petitioning for the changing of laws to force people into living righteous lives, you won't see Jesus flinging hurtful words at prostitutes and tax collectors while refusing to make eye contact.  Out of everyone in existence, he could have the most right.  Not only is Jesus, God made flesh and perfect, he also has the ability to know the hearts and minds of people.  If anyone has ever had a right to point fingers and pass judgment on people on earth, it was Jesus.  Yet what did Jesus offer?  Grace.

God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.

~ John 3:17

Why is our desire to be right, or our desire to uphold a standard of behavior, or our desire to "create a bubble for our children" more important than loving the hurting world where it's at already?  The idea that our own will and defiance can control and change the world is founded back in that place where we deemed ourselves the worthy judge of ourselves and the world.

Give that up.  Surrender "your right" to judge, to be right, to control.  Love.  Choose to give grace.

Oh if only we could fully grasp this.  That our natural tendency to judge and point fingers cannot be the first course of action but must be replaced with grace, choosing to offer grace despite our feelings.

In the midst of the ups and downs of life and culture I hope I never forget my mother's timeless words.

Have grace for each other.