What I've Done Fat

When I was in bible college, I took a psychology class with a sweet professor who had been a therapist for many years. She taught me a lot about the human psyche and because of her I was able to make sense of myself and a lot of people in my life. Her class is one of the few that I remember in detail some twelve years later. 

One lesson I learned from her was a bit opposite of what she intended, however, when one day she told us the story of her college aged daughter. She had never had a boyfriend and desperately wanted to get married someday. So her daughter decided to take a whole year off from college and fix her fat body: the one thing standing in her way of true love. The plump-herself-professor applauded her daughter's decision noting that "she has realized that it's really hard for men to look past an unattractive exterior." 

Ouch. 

Especially for me. 

Me, a fat woman sitting in her class, having to listen about how appalling we are to men. Listening to my fat teacher talk about how no one could love her fat daughter and inferring how it must be a struggle for her own husband to love her despite her fat body. Watching the young men in my class be taught that it's okay (even natural?) to judge women or be "hung up" about their weight. 

So much ouch. 

At 18 years old, I wasn't brave enough to speak up in class. (Although, you can bet your bottom dollar I would have some strong words to say at 30!) There was, however, something inside of me that knew it was a bunch of bullshit. 

Pause your entire life to lose weight? Manipulating your body size in order to attract men is more important than anything else a college aged woman could be pursuing?

Did not sit well with me at. all. 

I made a decision in my heart right then and there that I would never put anything off because I'm fat.

Men can't be attracted to me as a fat woman? Who cares. There are so many other great things in life that can take up my time rather than men. 

And do you know what happened all those years in my twenties as a totally fat woman? 

I travelled the world. I applied for any job I wanted and was accepted for all of them. I attended universities, taking classes necessary for a degree and some just to learn something new. I made friends all over the globe who love me for who I am. I held sweet orphan babies in China and stayed up late girl talking with refugee teenagers in Thailand. I went on a good number of first dates and "dated" a handful of men. I fell in love. I had my heart broken. I met my husband and got married. I had a perfectly healthy pregnancy and have the cutest sweetest baby. I moved across the country. I went to the beach and the pool countless times in a bathing suit and had so much fun and splashed my insecurity away. I got dressed up and dolled up and went out or had my picture taken. I swam laps, did hours of cardio, weight lifted, ran for the joy of being fit without the goal of a dress size. I literally and figuratively climbed mountains! 

I never waited until I was a certain body size to pursue anything and because of that, I've had a truly wonderful life so far, fat and all. 

And you, blog reader, if you've read this far, are equally truly capable just as you are. What do you want in life? Pursue it now! You don't have to wait for something to change about yourself. You certainly don't have to fit some kind of culturally construed idea about what is beautiful and healthy before you can have the experiences and things you want. I promise. Go get your dreams. ❤️

Like The Birds

Today I hit a bird with my car.

He didn't make it.

Before today, I was fairly certain birds always flew out of the way when a car was coming towards them.

Traveling at 55mph in the middle of three full lanes of traffic, I didn't really have any other option when he refused to move quick enough.

And what did this poor thing die for?

Garbage.

For real.

He refused to fly away and leave behind the bit of garbage on the road... and he died for it.

The bird and I, we live in South Florida.  Something is always in bloom or ripe here and thanks to the city planners, there are trees and bushes everywhere.  (Like for real everywhere, you can't even make out street signs because of all the shrubbery.)

Instead of going after what is relatively easy and good food, this bird chose to venture onto the road, cheat death... for garbage.  And today, it cost him his life.

Which got me thinking.

How often do I pursue garbage?  Why am I, just like this bird, willing to risk it all for garbage when there's life giving fruit two feet away?

Cool Cup Of Water

Jesus speaking, "This is a large work I’ve called you into, but don’t be overwhelmed by it. It’s best to
start small. Give a cool cup of water to someone who is thirsty, for instance. The smallest act of giving or receiving makes you a true apprentice."

~ Matthew 10 (towards the end) from The Message

Been thinking about this one a lot this week since I read it on Tuesday.

Have you been offering anyone a proverbial cup of water?

The smallest act of giving or receiving makes you a true apprentice.

Today I was returning home from work and decided to stop in at a store.  As I was walking back to my car, a man made eye contact with me and I said, "Hello!"

With that green light, he walked over and introduced himself and asked if I would give a donation in exchange for a "positive rap" cd.  I have zero interest in rap music, but was reminded of the cup of water thing, gave him the bit of cash I had on me, and then he began to walk away.  I stopped him.

"So tell me about your music." I began.

We had a short conversation about his life and music.  I learned about his brother.  It didn't seem like much.

As the conversation was coming to an end he remarked, "I can tell you aren't someone who enjoys rap, your'e just kind, but maybe you know someone who would enjoy the cd."

"You're just kind."

A small, somewhat insignificant thing.  Sounds like a cup of water to me.  I guess I'm on my way. (:

He Is With Me

I decided I wanted to be a missionary when I was around seven years old.

I suppose I probably would of wanted to be a missionary at an even younger age but no one had told me about it yet.

My mom took me to a church service where some people were speaking about their trip to China and I was hooked.  Every night I would include prayers for China and missionaries in my bed time prayers.

My dreams were of the traditional missionary.  Traveling to a foreign land, living there long term, starting humanitarian projects, buying orphans from the street venders for a six pence (like Gladys Aylward) and giving them a good home, etc.

As I grew older, my dreams became a little more practical.  I still wanted to be involved in humanitarian aid in an overseas context.  I had the opportunity to finally be working with an organization that allowed me to begin to do what I'd always wanted to do since the time I was a little girl with opportunities to grow and move into other parts of the ministry.

This was a little over six years ago.

Today the song "He Is With Us" by Love & The Outcome came on my radio.  I've heard it many times. (You know how "Christian" radio is.)

I began thinking about those words, "He is with us."

He is with us, not against us.  He is not just looking over us, he is with us.  Present.  Experiencing life with us.

The pain we feel is the pain he feels.  Not just my pain but everyone who exists, has existed, will exist. This is on top of the hurtful things that are directed at him.  The bishop who gives him a bad name.  The professor who claims to be a Christian, but systematically works to prove God is not real to his students.  The man who wants power and influence and uses the pastorate to gain both of those things.

I'm only twenty six years old so I potentially have many more years to be hurt, but the most painful experience of my life was at the hands of a pastor.

My community, my dream, my plans, my stability, my trusting nature, were all robbed from me because of the selfish actions of a pastor.

This is not to say that it's impossible for me to have a new community, new dreams, new plans, new everything, but you understand how difficult that is for a young person to have to lose all of that right?

I've heard it said that there's only two possibilities on the issue of pain: either there is no God or he's a sadist who looks down at our pain and laughs.

I can see it clearly in my mind and I believe with all my heart that as I sat on my bed while my personal world came crashing in, realizing things were not going to work out, trying to come to grips with the fact that I was not only in pain but it was caused by the person I would normally go to for comfort, God was right there crying with me.

My pain was his pain.

Even now when the sting of pain arises in the moments that I feel lonely, the moments I read other people's missionary updates, the moments I hear other people write about their church job, the moments I see other people involved in the ways I wanted to be involved,  the moments I feel like all I can do is question the motives of others, the moments others praise that man, he feels that sting too.

He remembers too.

And he understands in a way that no one else can.  Even someone who has been through the exact situation because no one else can do what he can.

Because he is the only one who felt my pain right along with me.  My own personal pain and the pain of knowing yet another person used the pastorate, a position for a loving servant, for personal gain.

Six years later and I don't harbor unforgiveness, bitterness, or hatred but that sting of pain doesn't just go away.

It doesn't go away for him either.

That is someone I can trust.  Someone I can believe when he says that though it might hurt now, I won't be ruined, that he's holding onto me and is never going to leave.

Don't ever try and strike down the dreams, confidence, 

or courage of a young person.

Although our thoughts, beliefs, and goals may 

and often do change with age, 

once someone has destroyed our ability 

to have confidence in our dreams 

and the courage to pursue them, 

it's so very difficult to get that back.

Lessons From Mother Teresa

I was given a reading of quotes from Mother Teresa a while ago and finally had some time to read through it in the middle of a rather opportune time.

After receiving some pretty hurtful nonconstructive criticism that had more to do with personality differences than anything important or pressing, I was feeling rather down.  I was getting married in less than two weeks but instead of feeling excited or happy, I was weighed down with regret, hurt feelings, and worry, mostly because of my all consuming desire for people to be happy or at least content with me and my decisions.

Basically struggling with the big ol' sin: fear of man.

I came across a prayer of Mother Teresa's that produced a few tears after only reading the first two lines...

Though you hide yourself behind the

unattractive disguise of the irritable,

the exacting, the unreasonable, 

may I still recognize you, and say:

"Jesus, how sweet it is to serve you."

It's hard to believe that this woman, at 17 years old, had such a grasp on what's important in life that she was ready to commit her whole life to doing his work.

In her future, she would dedicate herself to loving those the world deemed unloveable and allowing the dying to feel wanted in their last hours.  Dedicated to really desiring the things God desires and pursuing his heart for the lost.

And here I am.  In my cushy first world life, in the twenty first century, and my big concern is wether people are happy with choices that don't even have a real right or wrong answer.

My world is so small.

And yet God steps down into that world and speaks to my heart.  In a profound way.  Just when I need it.

Because he is good like that.  Soothing and encouraging.  The friend that doesn't just tell you what you need to hear but in the perfect way that you need to hear it.

In those moments I feel attacked, criticized, shot down by others, instead of responding with defensive gossip, resentment, or many other reactions that may come easily to me in my normal personality, I can choose instead to serve and love that person.  Remembering that God loves that person, even in the midst of their unkindness towards me, and I should love them too.  Even when it is a harder choice than I think I can handle because I don't have to handle it alone.

I have found that though the initial choosing is hard to do, once the "ball gets rolling", it becomes easier.  Love begins to fill my heart and overshadow the hurt.  In a way only God can bring about.

And so I am equipped to deal with the situation and feelings at hand and also prepared for the future when I run into hurtful words again.  All thanks to a woman who was willing to serve, love, and listen and learned such valuable lessons, some of which were written down and then able to touch my heart in 2013.

May I also truly be a woman willing to serve, love, and listen and learn some valuable lessons myself that may do some good, someday.