What I've Done Fat

When I was in bible college, I took a psychology class with a sweet professor who had been a therapist for many years. She taught me a lot about the human psyche and because of her I was able to make sense of myself and a lot of people in my life. Her class is one of the few that I remember in detail some twelve years later. 

One lesson I learned from her was a bit opposite of what she intended, however, when one day she told us the story of her college aged daughter. She had never had a boyfriend and desperately wanted to get married someday. So her daughter decided to take a whole year off from college and fix her fat body: the one thing standing in her way of true love. The plump-herself-professor applauded her daughter's decision noting that "she has realized that it's really hard for men to look past an unattractive exterior." 

Ouch. 

Especially for me. 

Me, a fat woman sitting in her class, having to listen about how appalling we are to men. Listening to my fat teacher talk about how no one could love her fat daughter and inferring how it must be a struggle for her own husband to love her despite her fat body. Watching the young men in my class be taught that it's okay (even natural?) to judge women or be "hung up" about their weight. 

So much ouch. 

At 18 years old, I wasn't brave enough to speak up in class. (Although, you can bet your bottom dollar I would have some strong words to say at 30!) There was, however, something inside of me that knew it was a bunch of bullshit. 

Pause your entire life to lose weight? Manipulating your body size in order to attract men is more important than anything else a college aged woman could be pursuing?

Did not sit well with me at. all. 

I made a decision in my heart right then and there that I would never put anything off because I'm fat.

Men can't be attracted to me as a fat woman? Who cares. There are so many other great things in life that can take up my time rather than men. 

And do you know what happened all those years in my twenties as a totally fat woman? 

I travelled the world. I applied for any job I wanted and was accepted for all of them. I attended universities, taking classes necessary for a degree and some just to learn something new. I made friends all over the globe who love me for who I am. I held sweet orphan babies in China and stayed up late girl talking with refugee teenagers in Thailand. I went on a good number of first dates and "dated" a handful of men. I fell in love. I had my heart broken. I met my husband and got married. I had a perfectly healthy pregnancy and have the cutest sweetest baby. I moved across the country. I went to the beach and the pool countless times in a bathing suit and had so much fun and splashed my insecurity away. I got dressed up and dolled up and went out or had my picture taken. I swam laps, did hours of cardio, weight lifted, ran for the joy of being fit without the goal of a dress size. I literally and figuratively climbed mountains! 

I never waited until I was a certain body size to pursue anything and because of that, I've had a truly wonderful life so far, fat and all. 

And you, blog reader, if you've read this far, are equally truly capable just as you are. What do you want in life? Pursue it now! You don't have to wait for something to change about yourself. You certainly don't have to fit some kind of culturally construed idea about what is beautiful and healthy before you can have the experiences and things you want. I promise. Go get your dreams. ❤️

Like The Birds

Today I hit a bird with my car.

He didn't make it.

Before today, I was fairly certain birds always flew out of the way when a car was coming towards them.

Traveling at 55mph in the middle of three full lanes of traffic, I didn't really have any other option when he refused to move quick enough.

And what did this poor thing die for?

Garbage.

For real.

He refused to fly away and leave behind the bit of garbage on the road... and he died for it.

The bird and I, we live in South Florida.  Something is always in bloom or ripe here and thanks to the city planners, there are trees and bushes everywhere.  (Like for real everywhere, you can't even make out street signs because of all the shrubbery.)

Instead of going after what is relatively easy and good food, this bird chose to venture onto the road, cheat death... for garbage.  And today, it cost him his life.

Which got me thinking.

How often do I pursue garbage?  Why am I, just like this bird, willing to risk it all for garbage when there's life giving fruit two feet away?

Cool Cup Of Water

Jesus speaking, "This is a large work I’ve called you into, but don’t be overwhelmed by it. It’s best to
start small. Give a cool cup of water to someone who is thirsty, for instance. The smallest act of giving or receiving makes you a true apprentice."

~ Matthew 10 (towards the end) from The Message

Been thinking about this one a lot this week since I read it on Tuesday.

Have you been offering anyone a proverbial cup of water?

The smallest act of giving or receiving makes you a true apprentice.

Today I was returning home from work and decided to stop in at a store.  As I was walking back to my car, a man made eye contact with me and I said, "Hello!"

With that green light, he walked over and introduced himself and asked if I would give a donation in exchange for a "positive rap" cd.  I have zero interest in rap music, but was reminded of the cup of water thing, gave him the bit of cash I had on me, and then he began to walk away.  I stopped him.

"So tell me about your music." I began.

We had a short conversation about his life and music.  I learned about his brother.  It didn't seem like much.

As the conversation was coming to an end he remarked, "I can tell you aren't someone who enjoys rap, your'e just kind, but maybe you know someone who would enjoy the cd."

"You're just kind."

A small, somewhat insignificant thing.  Sounds like a cup of water to me.  I guess I'm on my way. (:

A Prayer

Dear-ones, 

This world will try to offer you many messages. They will smell tempting and taste sweet. If you accept them and they are planted inside of you, instead of offering life giving nourishment, they will rot and spread their poison, seeking out all pieces of life inside of you and destroying it in their wake. It will happen so subtly though that one day you will look back foolishly at the person you once were and think the person full of death you are now is better off. Your eyes will become clouded with pleasure and temporary satisfaction. The still small voice that used to guide your heart in wisdom will be drowned out by the sights, sounds, and smells of this temporary fragile place. Your heart will be convinced the voice was a story taught to you by generations past. A made up bed time story meant to help you cope. In your folly, you will deem the grasping at knowledge by a world headed for a collision as truth and toss aside the wisdom of the ages. Your finite brain will esteem itself lord of your own life not recognizing that it once was created and will one day exist no more. 

This world will try to feed you many things. It will tell you that self control is futile and against your very nature. And that this nature should be honored at all times. It will tell you that intimacy and love are subjective and without boundaries. It will tell you that anything requiring internal discipline and denial is not worth it. It will make a strong case for moving on when passion wanes.  It will tell you that pouring yourself out on behalf of others is only worthy when personal gain and recognition come with it.  These are only a few of the lies.

If you believe these things, dear ones, if you let them settle in your heart, they will creep into the rest of your body, they will consume your mind. If you trade the almighty for the temporary, you will only receive the temporary. And the temporary has an end. The temporary has a dark end. It will sink back into the nothingness it came out of. 

You were not meant to end, dear ones. You are meant for much greater things. You are meant to be loved with abandon and to give that love freely in return. You are meant to resist folly and in so doing become strong and wise and full of beauty. You are meant to honor your covenants and find meaning and purpose, in turn honoring yourself and others by keeping your word. You are meant to find strength beyond what you can muster yourself and reach out your hand to the needy, even when you yourself are in need, knowing an even greater hand is there for us all and will not abandon us. 

You are meant to have an unshakable confidence that his hand is truly there. So that when the world brings you its sweet food, you can not only laugh that it suspects you to be so foolish, but you can guide those around you to the true living water, the food that truly satisfies, the love that leads to true fulfillment. 

It won't be easy. The world is a vast place. They will mock you. They will insist it's all make believe. They will desperately cling to the temporary, believing it is all that is valuable, even with their dying breath. As soon as they suspect you will not be moved, they will conjure stronger arguments and batter you down with cunning words.  They will look for your weaknesses and attack when you are feeling tired and worn, hoping to gain ground. Don't mistake their insistence for truth or value. Cling to life and real truth. Hide yourself in him. Wrap your heart in his love. Look to the true healer for salve for your aching heart. You will emerge stronger, mature, with joy and true hope.

And so I pray and so I hope that these words will sink deep. I pray that they sink deep into my own heart. I hope that as you grow and watch me, I only affirm and confirm these truths. Oh give me the strength to confirm these truths. 

Be strong and take heart, dear ones, he has overcome the world and all that strength is also available to you. Let us reach together. 

Amen.

I wrote this during a time of prayer for the children in my life 

who have become very dear to my heart.

He Is With Me

I decided I wanted to be a missionary when I was around seven years old.

I suppose I probably would of wanted to be a missionary at an even younger age but no one had told me about it yet.

My mom took me to a church service where some people were speaking about their trip to China and I was hooked.  Every night I would include prayers for China and missionaries in my bed time prayers.

My dreams were of the traditional missionary.  Traveling to a foreign land, living there long term, starting humanitarian projects, buying orphans from the street venders for a six pence (like Gladys Aylward) and giving them a good home, etc.

As I grew older, my dreams became a little more practical.  I still wanted to be involved in humanitarian aid in an overseas context.  I had the opportunity to finally be working with an organization that allowed me to begin to do what I'd always wanted to do since the time I was a little girl with opportunities to grow and move into other parts of the ministry.

This was a little over six years ago.

Today the song "He Is With Us" by Love & The Outcome came on my radio.  I've heard it many times. (You know how "Christian" radio is.)

I began thinking about those words, "He is with us."

He is with us, not against us.  He is not just looking over us, he is with us.  Present.  Experiencing life with us.

The pain we feel is the pain he feels.  Not just my pain but everyone who exists, has existed, will exist. This is on top of the hurtful things that are directed at him.  The bishop who gives him a bad name.  The professor who claims to be a Christian, but systematically works to prove God is not real to his students.  The man who wants power and influence and uses the pastorate to gain both of those things.

I'm only twenty six years old so I potentially have many more years to be hurt, but the most painful experience of my life was at the hands of a pastor.

My community, my dream, my plans, my stability, my trusting nature, were all robbed from me because of the selfish actions of a pastor.

This is not to say that it's impossible for me to have a new community, new dreams, new plans, new everything, but you understand how difficult that is for a young person to have to lose all of that right?

I've heard it said that there's only two possibilities on the issue of pain: either there is no God or he's a sadist who looks down at our pain and laughs.

I can see it clearly in my mind and I believe with all my heart that as I sat on my bed while my personal world came crashing in, realizing things were not going to work out, trying to come to grips with the fact that I was not only in pain but it was caused by the person I would normally go to for comfort, God was right there crying with me.

My pain was his pain.

Even now when the sting of pain arises in the moments that I feel lonely, the moments I read other people's missionary updates, the moments I hear other people write about their church job, the moments I see other people involved in the ways I wanted to be involved,  the moments I feel like all I can do is question the motives of others, the moments others praise that man, he feels that sting too.

He remembers too.

And he understands in a way that no one else can.  Even someone who has been through the exact situation because no one else can do what he can.

Because he is the only one who felt my pain right along with me.  My own personal pain and the pain of knowing yet another person used the pastorate, a position for a loving servant, for personal gain.

Six years later and I don't harbor unforgiveness, bitterness, or hatred but that sting of pain doesn't just go away.

It doesn't go away for him either.

That is someone I can trust.  Someone I can believe when he says that though it might hurt now, I won't be ruined, that he's holding onto me and is never going to leave.