Men, Women, Lust, and God

There's so much I could say about this.  In editing this blog, I keep wanting to add more,  having to remind myself that it's a blog, not a book. ;)  Here's is just a tiny introduction really to this issue, from my Christian perspective, but I think applicable to people with other points of view too...

Jesus says in Matthew 5,

You have heard the commandment that says, "You must not commit adultery."  

But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.  

(verse 27 & 28, NLT)

Today the idea of "lust" has been on my mind after a discussion/argument I had with a gentleman the other day.

In his mind, all of the responsibility for controlling lust falls on women and how well they are behaving or if they're dressing modestly.

The opinion he was sharing was not one I haven't heard before.  In fact, it's something that a lot of people spout.  Christians, Muslims, non-regligious, and others alike.  For some of us, the belief is so ingrained and part of our being that we agree with his opinion without even being aware of it.

The idea was first brought to my attention while reading Why Not Women? by Loren Cunningham, David Hamilton, and Janice Rogers.   (Maybe some day I'll actually come back to this blog and edit in some excerpts from this book. ;))

Why do us humans have our "rules" about women?  Why do many Christian denominations insist women cannot be "leaders"?  Why do many Muslims insist women should cover their heads and most of their bodies, some that women should cover every part except for their eyes?  Why do some Mormons think a man can have as many wives as he can afford and/or wants?  Why do men leer and cat call women walking down the street?

Why do some women allow it?  Why do some women even support it or happily go along with it?  Why do even some women argue with me that I'm the wrong one for standing up for freedom for women?

The statement that started the discussion was rooted in the belief that women should dress "modestly" because if they don't, women will cause men to lust after them.  If women would just not dress like "sluts", men could live their happy holy lives with no problems.

But there's something significant in the verse from Matthew.

Notice what Jesus does and doesn't say.

What Jesus does say: "Anyone who looks at woman lustfully has committed adultery in his heart."

What Jesus does not say: "Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has been tricked into committing adultery because the tramp must obviously be exposing too much of her breasts or her blouse is hugging her figure too tightly or some other kind of immodesty."

In English, lust is defined as uncontrolled or illicit sexual desire or appetite; lecherousness.  Illicit means wrong or illegal, by the way.

My first thought is, I'm supposed to believe that men are such uncontrolled immoral animals that unless a women covers her breasts they can only view her sexually?  And not in a "I love you and I want to cherish you and share myself with you for all my days" sexually but in a wrong or illegal way?  Men have zero discipline, maturity, or humanity?  It's my job as a woman to keep them on track?  (And afterwards, it's also my job to "submit" to such animals?)

I think it's something else though.  It's the root of all oppression towards women.

It comes from an underlying belief that there's something about men that makes them better than women and there's something about women that makes them a commodity or a product for men to use instead of simply another human being.

This goes beyond "roles" or "modesty" or "rules."  And it's a belief so intricately woven into things that men and women alike don't often even see that it's there or the cause of the problem.

The sad part is, that to an extent, women must believe it also, in order, on some level, to allow it to happen.

An then people try to use the Bible or God as support for their argument. They try to justify the surface issue that's actually caused by an underlying belief that women are "less than."   It's ironic that the thought is women have some kind of God given responsibility to be stronger than men in order to keep men from sinning but also must be weaker than men in order that men can always be the "leader," don't you think?

I remember as a fourteen year old, having grown up in a relatively conservative church and family, being told all about how important it is for conventionally attractive (there's another blog in that idea right there ;)) women to help keep men from sinning and to stick to teaching children because women weren't worthy to share any of their knowledge with the menfolk, getting my hands on Christian feminist literature.  I had no idea there was such a thing.

It didn't take me much reading to be blown away.  God made me strong on purpose?  God made me a researcher and a teacher on purpose?  God really is sharing truths with me that he intends for me to share with others?  Men and women alike?

God isn't just a masculine bearded manly father figure up in the sky.  God is a mother hen.  God is an emotional lover and cares about the emotions of others.  God is everything feminine.  God created women in his image because he is also feminine and we show the world his character and power as much as men do.  As masculine and feminine, God rules over all.  Part of himself isn't "in submission" to the other part.  It isn't only his masculinity that is powerful and teaching us.  His femininity guides and teaches us everyday.

It's the fierce unconditional love found in femininity that spurs compassion, understanding, and activism for the abused, hurt, and unnoticed.  It's the desire for deep emotional connection found in femininity that creates family and community.  It's the desire to protect and nourish others found in femininity that allows our children to grow up strong.  And so many more things!

Satan would love nothing more than for those parts of God to be seen as inferior and unneeded.  It is the strategic plan of the enemy to convince the world that women are the cause of the problems instead of part of the solution.  It pushes a large portion of people away from God and it keeps those who stay from living in true freedom, men and women both.

When we insist on the big and even little oppressions of women, we insist on oppressing parts of God.  We insist on doing away with a very important part of humanity.

We end up truly believing that when Jesus said "anyone who looks at woman lustfully has committed adultery in his heart" what he meant was "anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has been tricked into committing adultery because the tramp must obviously be exposing too much of her breasts or her blouse is hugging her figure too tightly or some other kind of immodesty."

We end up being so concerned with what women are wearing, saying, and doing and whether it's right that we miss being able to enjoy women and all the great things that God created them to be.

A Few Thoughts

Staying up too late tonight.

Thinking too much probably.

Had a thought.

All sexual immorality, fornication, adultery, homosexuality, etc etc, are essentially a lack of trust in God.

A person does not believe God when he says what is best.  A person does not trust God to give him/her what he has intended for them at the proper time.  A person thinks they are a better judge of what they want and/or need.

In any situation in life, that doesn't often work out well.  Trusting in your own weak human mind and will over the Almighty God.

So maybe we need to start with showing people how to be loved by God and how to love God and let him sort out the rest.  Let him speak to their heart when he has their trust.

A few thoughts.

Maria

On my mind today is Maria.

Maria is a person I've had multiple interactions with though never developed a close friendship.  I know she loves my nieces and nephew.  I know she would always come to help my sister when she needed her because Maria values family.

I've always had a soft spot for Maria.  Everyone who meets her has a soft spot for Maria.

Maria grew up in a third world country where her culture taught her that she wasn't as valuable as a son.  She learned that there were very few jobs or roles in life that she was qualified for because of her gender.  I suspect she didn't sit around as a little girl and dream about being a doctor or a journalist or an artist.  Growing up in a communist and then post communist country in the mid to late 20th century was a lot different than my upbringing in 90s America.

Maria was abused in her past.  No one has ever obtained exact details about what happened to her but at least one instance of gang rape is suspected.  Again, this happened in a culture where women are not only blamed for being a victim but where it's often overlooked because the shame of not being a virgin is greater than the shame (or lack thereof) of being a rapist.

Maria came to live in America illegally with some of her legal relatives.  She never married.  She worked in the different family businesses and helped everyone with raising their children, including my sister's children.

Some years ago she was diagnosed with cancer.  She has always refused treatment except a few surgeries.

And now she is dying.

She was able to make it back to her mother in Eastern Europe and she is in a lot of pain.  They don't have hospice or a place for the dying in her country.  They are refusing her morphine at this point but from what I'm told, she could really use it.  Would you please, reader, just say a prayer in your heart right now that she would be given some comfort and pain relief in this time?

Heaven knows she hasn't received a lot of that throughout her life.

I know that in death she will find relief.  In the arms of the one person who can love us the right way, she will find that acceptance and value that it seems she was never able to feel in life.

Maria is only one of many.

We live in a world where very few women live in cultures where they are valued and respected the right way.  Even in my desire to be tolerant and loving, respecting different points of view, I would argue that there is a right way.  No woman should get a cancer diagnosis at such a young age and feel there is nothing worth her living for and so refuse treatment, resigning herself to her death.

Every little girl should be protected and loved and grow up with dreams.  Every little girl should be told that she has a purpose and a calling and be given the resources and opportunities to find out what that is.

But many little girls are not.  Maria was one of those little girls.

Say a prayer for Maria at the end of her life.

Be moved to help those who still have time left.

What a great reminder!

Grace For Toads

"I think we, as Christians, should…"  "I think we, as women, should...."  "I think we, as toads, should..."

Look familiar?

I see it in a lot of blogs, status updates, conversations, etc.

"Stop telling people they need to shape up!" sounds a little bit like I'm telling someone to shape up and stop demanding someone else to shape up… which is as confusing as it sounds.

It's hard to write about grace without sounding a little contradictory, but here goes.

As the oldest child in my family, I fit the oldest child stereotype.  Black and white personality, bossy, setting high standards for myself and those around me; basically, I'm not a naturally grace filled person.  I also have the tendency to live with disappointment weighing on my heart.  I second guess myself and others.  It's hard for me to trust, hope, believe, and even love properly in my natural self and through my natural heart.

My mother has always modeled the opposite for me.  Not only does she appear to have no struggle with offering grace to people but there seems to be no limit to how much she can take.  I remember her coming into the middle of our fights as children and encouraging us to "have grace" for one another.  At the time, I supposed that to be "mom talk" for "I'm tired of listening to the screaming" and I'm sure there was a little bit of that behind it.  As I've grown and begun to know my mother more as a "person" and less as the authoritative "mom" figure, I can see that there was much more behind it than her desire for peace and quiet.

The thing she values most in life are relationships.  Her relationships with her family, with her friends and community, to the world in general.  That means more to her than standards or behavior or the need to be right.  Because of my mom's great love for us as her children, she offered free grace to us on a daily, sometimes minute by minute, basis.  In her wisdom, she knew that we also should learn this lesson that relationships matter and the key to keeping them is grace.

Well my child self didn't necessarily want to have grace for my siblings.  My adult self struggles with the same thing.

But there is the problem.  The want.  The idea that I need to strongly desire giving grace to someone in order to demonstrate it in their life.

Something I've learned in my short 26 years on earth is that grace is a choice to begin with. 

Once you were dead because of your disobedience and your many sins.  You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil—the commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God.  All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature. By our very nature we were subject to God’s anger, just like everyone else.  But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much,  that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!

~ Ephesians 2:1-5 NLT

In the midst of being angry, God chose to have grace, because of his love.

In the midst of completely justified anger, God chooses to have grace for me.

I find it hard to have grace in the midst of unjustified disappointment, in the midst of unjustified expectations, in the midst of my unwillingness to understand.

I deem myself judge of the world, of my friends, of myself when in reality I don't have the right or authority to speak up for or against myself or anyone else in the world.

You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil—the commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God.  All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature.

The tendency when watching a person head down a destructive path, or just simply a path we don't approve of, is to make two mistakes: first, to assume that their upbringing, background, and experiences are all the same as our's and second, to assume that where they are headed is the result of their own choices.

Neither of those assumptions are true.

I have a hard enough time knowing the ins and outs of my own heart and the exact reason behind how I feel and what I want.  How can I begin to believe that I have a firm grasp on that information from someone else?

Paul takes the time to point out that all of us are unconsciously obeying the devil, that he is at work in our hearts, and that we have no other course but to follow the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful or human nature.  Not only is it our natural tendency to be this way, but it is what the world preaches as the proper way to live and think.  "Follow your heart."  "Do what's right for you."  "You can be whatever you want to be."

It's coming at us from inside our own hearts and from the outside.  From our culture, community, and often from our family and friends.

The path people are on has a lot more involved than choice.  Often, where people are in their life has very little to do with their own personal choices.

But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much,  that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!

God gave us life.  He saved us by grace.  He chose to give us grace. He didn't save us with an argument.  He didn't save us by changing laws.  He didn't save us by fighting with us.  He didn't save us with hurtful words.  He didn't save us by demanding we change our feelings or behavior before we could experience his mercy.

And yet so often, it appears we believe that's what will save someone.

Peruse through the gospels and you won't see Jesus "arguing with sinners", you won't see  Jesus running for political office and petitioning for the changing of laws to force people into living righteous lives, you won't see Jesus flinging hurtful words at prostitutes and tax collectors while refusing to make eye contact.  Out of everyone in existence, he could have the most right.  Not only is Jesus, God made flesh and perfect, he also has the ability to know the hearts and minds of people.  If anyone has ever had a right to point fingers and pass judgment on people on earth, it was Jesus.  Yet what did Jesus offer?  Grace.

God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.

~ John 3:17

Why is our desire to be right, or our desire to uphold a standard of behavior, or our desire to "create a bubble for our children" more important than loving the hurting world where it's at already?  The idea that our own will and defiance can control and change the world is founded back in that place where we deemed ourselves the worthy judge of ourselves and the world.

Give that up.  Surrender "your right" to judge, to be right, to control.  Love.  Choose to give grace.

Oh if only we could fully grasp this.  That our natural tendency to judge and point fingers cannot be the first course of action but must be replaced with grace, choosing to offer grace despite our feelings.

In the midst of the ups and downs of life and culture I hope I never forget my mother's timeless words.

Have grace for each other.