What I've Done Fat

When I was in bible college, I took a psychology class with a sweet professor who had been a therapist for many years. She taught me a lot about the human psyche and because of her I was able to make sense of myself and a lot of people in my life. Her class is one of the few that I remember in detail some twelve years later. 

One lesson I learned from her was a bit opposite of what she intended, however, when one day she told us the story of her college aged daughter. She had never had a boyfriend and desperately wanted to get married someday. So her daughter decided to take a whole year off from college and fix her fat body: the one thing standing in her way of true love. The plump-herself-professor applauded her daughter's decision noting that "she has realized that it's really hard for men to look past an unattractive exterior." 

Ouch. 

Especially for me. 

Me, a fat woman sitting in her class, having to listen about how appalling we are to men. Listening to my fat teacher talk about how no one could love her fat daughter and inferring how it must be a struggle for her own husband to love her despite her fat body. Watching the young men in my class be taught that it's okay (even natural?) to judge women or be "hung up" about their weight. 

So much ouch. 

At 18 years old, I wasn't brave enough to speak up in class. (Although, you can bet your bottom dollar I would have some strong words to say at 30!) There was, however, something inside of me that knew it was a bunch of bullshit. 

Pause your entire life to lose weight? Manipulating your body size in order to attract men is more important than anything else a college aged woman could be pursuing?

Did not sit well with me at. all. 

I made a decision in my heart right then and there that I would never put anything off because I'm fat.

Men can't be attracted to me as a fat woman? Who cares. There are so many other great things in life that can take up my time rather than men. 

And do you know what happened all those years in my twenties as a totally fat woman? 

I travelled the world. I applied for any job I wanted and was accepted for all of them. I attended universities, taking classes necessary for a degree and some just to learn something new. I made friends all over the globe who love me for who I am. I held sweet orphan babies in China and stayed up late girl talking with refugee teenagers in Thailand. I went on a good number of first dates and "dated" a handful of men. I fell in love. I had my heart broken. I met my husband and got married. I had a perfectly healthy pregnancy and have the cutest sweetest baby. I moved across the country. I went to the beach and the pool countless times in a bathing suit and had so much fun and splashed my insecurity away. I got dressed up and dolled up and went out or had my picture taken. I swam laps, did hours of cardio, weight lifted, ran for the joy of being fit without the goal of a dress size. I literally and figuratively climbed mountains! 

I never waited until I was a certain body size to pursue anything and because of that, I've had a truly wonderful life so far, fat and all. 

And you, blog reader, if you've read this far, are equally truly capable just as you are. What do you want in life? Pursue it now! You don't have to wait for something to change about yourself. You certainly don't have to fit some kind of culturally construed idea about what is beautiful and healthy before you can have the experiences and things you want. I promise. Go get your dreams. ❤️

Like The Birds

Today I hit a bird with my car.

He didn't make it.

Before today, I was fairly certain birds always flew out of the way when a car was coming towards them.

Traveling at 55mph in the middle of three full lanes of traffic, I didn't really have any other option when he refused to move quick enough.

And what did this poor thing die for?

Garbage.

For real.

He refused to fly away and leave behind the bit of garbage on the road... and he died for it.

The bird and I, we live in South Florida.  Something is always in bloom or ripe here and thanks to the city planners, there are trees and bushes everywhere.  (Like for real everywhere, you can't even make out street signs because of all the shrubbery.)

Instead of going after what is relatively easy and good food, this bird chose to venture onto the road, cheat death... for garbage.  And today, it cost him his life.

Which got me thinking.

How often do I pursue garbage?  Why am I, just like this bird, willing to risk it all for garbage when there's life giving fruit two feet away?

Men, Women, Lust, and God

There's so much I could say about this.  In editing this blog, I keep wanting to add more,  having to remind myself that it's a blog, not a book. ;)  Here's is just a tiny introduction really to this issue, from my Christian perspective, but I think applicable to people with other points of view too...

Jesus says in Matthew 5,

You have heard the commandment that says, "You must not commit adultery."  

But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.  

(verse 27 & 28, NLT)

Today the idea of "lust" has been on my mind after a discussion/argument I had with a gentleman the other day.

In his mind, all of the responsibility for controlling lust falls on women and how well they are behaving or if they're dressing modestly.

The opinion he was sharing was not one I haven't heard before.  In fact, it's something that a lot of people spout.  Christians, Muslims, non-regligious, and others alike.  For some of us, the belief is so ingrained and part of our being that we agree with his opinion without even being aware of it.

The idea was first brought to my attention while reading Why Not Women? by Loren Cunningham, David Hamilton, and Janice Rogers.   (Maybe some day I'll actually come back to this blog and edit in some excerpts from this book. ;))

Why do us humans have our "rules" about women?  Why do many Christian denominations insist women cannot be "leaders"?  Why do many Muslims insist women should cover their heads and most of their bodies, some that women should cover every part except for their eyes?  Why do some Mormons think a man can have as many wives as he can afford and/or wants?  Why do men leer and cat call women walking down the street?

Why do some women allow it?  Why do some women even support it or happily go along with it?  Why do even some women argue with me that I'm the wrong one for standing up for freedom for women?

The statement that started the discussion was rooted in the belief that women should dress "modestly" because if they don't, women will cause men to lust after them.  If women would just not dress like "sluts", men could live their happy holy lives with no problems.

But there's something significant in the verse from Matthew.

Notice what Jesus does and doesn't say.

What Jesus does say: "Anyone who looks at woman lustfully has committed adultery in his heart."

What Jesus does not say: "Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has been tricked into committing adultery because the tramp must obviously be exposing too much of her breasts or her blouse is hugging her figure too tightly or some other kind of immodesty."

In English, lust is defined as uncontrolled or illicit sexual desire or appetite; lecherousness.  Illicit means wrong or illegal, by the way.

My first thought is, I'm supposed to believe that men are such uncontrolled immoral animals that unless a women covers her breasts they can only view her sexually?  And not in a "I love you and I want to cherish you and share myself with you for all my days" sexually but in a wrong or illegal way?  Men have zero discipline, maturity, or humanity?  It's my job as a woman to keep them on track?  (And afterwards, it's also my job to "submit" to such animals?)

I think it's something else though.  It's the root of all oppression towards women.

It comes from an underlying belief that there's something about men that makes them better than women and there's something about women that makes them a commodity or a product for men to use instead of simply another human being.

This goes beyond "roles" or "modesty" or "rules."  And it's a belief so intricately woven into things that men and women alike don't often even see that it's there or the cause of the problem.

The sad part is, that to an extent, women must believe it also, in order, on some level, to allow it to happen.

An then people try to use the Bible or God as support for their argument. They try to justify the surface issue that's actually caused by an underlying belief that women are "less than."   It's ironic that the thought is women have some kind of God given responsibility to be stronger than men in order to keep men from sinning but also must be weaker than men in order that men can always be the "leader," don't you think?

I remember as a fourteen year old, having grown up in a relatively conservative church and family, being told all about how important it is for conventionally attractive (there's another blog in that idea right there ;)) women to help keep men from sinning and to stick to teaching children because women weren't worthy to share any of their knowledge with the menfolk, getting my hands on Christian feminist literature.  I had no idea there was such a thing.

It didn't take me much reading to be blown away.  God made me strong on purpose?  God made me a researcher and a teacher on purpose?  God really is sharing truths with me that he intends for me to share with others?  Men and women alike?

God isn't just a masculine bearded manly father figure up in the sky.  God is a mother hen.  God is an emotional lover and cares about the emotions of others.  God is everything feminine.  God created women in his image because he is also feminine and we show the world his character and power as much as men do.  As masculine and feminine, God rules over all.  Part of himself isn't "in submission" to the other part.  It isn't only his masculinity that is powerful and teaching us.  His femininity guides and teaches us everyday.

It's the fierce unconditional love found in femininity that spurs compassion, understanding, and activism for the abused, hurt, and unnoticed.  It's the desire for deep emotional connection found in femininity that creates family and community.  It's the desire to protect and nourish others found in femininity that allows our children to grow up strong.  And so many more things!

Satan would love nothing more than for those parts of God to be seen as inferior and unneeded.  It is the strategic plan of the enemy to convince the world that women are the cause of the problems instead of part of the solution.  It pushes a large portion of people away from God and it keeps those who stay from living in true freedom, men and women both.

When we insist on the big and even little oppressions of women, we insist on oppressing parts of God.  We insist on doing away with a very important part of humanity.

We end up truly believing that when Jesus said "anyone who looks at woman lustfully has committed adultery in his heart" what he meant was "anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has been tricked into committing adultery because the tramp must obviously be exposing too much of her breasts or her blouse is hugging her figure too tightly or some other kind of immodesty."

We end up being so concerned with what women are wearing, saying, and doing and whether it's right that we miss being able to enjoy women and all the great things that God created them to be.